You have got to be kidding me - Silence is not golden

I've seen the memes. You know, the ones like this:

Right, silence is definitely not golden if you have a toddler or preschooler!

Well, I know this. I've seen these memes. I believe them. I told my husband about it, yet we continued to let the silence be and watch "Two Broke Girls."

Well, fair warning to all. This is what can happen in a matter of 15 minutes. In 15 minutes a 4.5 year old and a 2.5 year old can manage to bring ride on toys, bracelets, musical instruments and more into a bedroom. Then, they can dump all the rubber bands necessary for a small office on to the floor. Basically, kids can make a mess.

Needless to say, I'm posting this before helping them pick it up.

Kid's Messy Bedroom

Yes, that's what I saw when I went to get toothpaste for the kiddos to brush before bed.

Yes that's a Copy-Kids DVD :)

How to clean up a kid's major mess:

• Remain calm
• Start with the easiest, the musical instruments since the music box is close by.
• Remain calm
• Ask the 2.5 year old to put all the ride on toys back into the hall/play area.
• Remain calm
• Ask 4.5 year old to pick up rubber bands.
• Remain calm. 
• Put chairs back into play area with the table where they belong.
• Remain calm
• Sorta make the bed.
• Remain calm
• Have 4.5 year old take jammies off of "building area" and wear them.
• Remain calm.
• Have 4.5 year old brush.
• Remain calm.
• Remove lunch bag and put in kitchen for later - I still have to make tomorrow's lunch.
• Put 4.5 year old in bed.
• Let the rest stay for later, or hope the husband helps as well.

Death of a culture - what will die with you? Bilingual children

I remember a discussion in my undergraduate sociology class that surrounded the theory that, "without language, we lose culture." What does this mean? As parents, I take it to mean that if we have the gift of a "native tongue" that we fail to pass on to our children, we are choosing to not pass on our culture.

In the past, those who came to the US were often forced to not teach their mother languages to their children - basically required to immerse their children into English with no chance of passing on "the home country" language. (Please note, the US does not have an official language). Also, we have small cultural sects or minorities in other countries who faced the same situation - they were forced to deny their heritage whether through social pressure or government control (such as the Maavaci of Russia). This process attempts to keep a more homogeneous culture and parents may see this as "better" because their children't won't be seen as outsiders, and not teach their language to their children by choice. It seems that instead of understanding no matter what we will have differences and seeing how being unique is a quality we should embrace, we are, instead, just keeping secret something that should be considered a gift.

Are we killing part of a culture when we don't pass on language? 

Now I am not saying you MUST teach your children another language or you are a bad parent if it doesn't work for you. I'm also not saying that if you know another language, especially if you are a native speaker, that you have to teach your child that language. There are not absolutes in parenting! But, not passing on a language not only affects the ability to converse in a language, but being fluent in multiple languages allows you to actually THINK differently. "All this new research shows us that the languages we speak not only reflect or express our thoughts, but also shape the very thoughts we wish to express." (Baroditsky, L, 2010).

To speak like a native, first we have to learn a language from a native speaker. Second, it seems to be important to learn language two (L2 in linguistics) by around ages 5-6 and actually the "recognition" of these accents starts to decrease by age one! Yes, infants can tell the difference! So, speaking in another language to an infant MATTERS, not only because their brain development, but also so that, we, as caregivers get in the practice of speaking that language. This time appears to be that cusp point for our brains and tongues to match. I am on a reading list on linkedin for TESL teachers and accent coaches. There is only so much someone can attempt to help "fix" later on - our tongues learn to work a certain way, our brains know different context (we may not even KNOW to think of another way to say how the snow is drifting or the multiple ways to say the color blue). For me, it is hard for me to speak things in so many languages because I can't roll my "r" - it just wasn't something I heard or had to do or was taught early on - my brain just doesn't know how to tell my tongue to do that!

So, if you have that second language in your family, don't feel like you can't bring it in because you weren't doing say "one speaker, one language" idea from birth (which isn't the only way to do it anyway). It is never "too late" though there are cusps when learning happens easiest both on our brains and willingness. You CAN pass on a language, especially if you're talking a younger child. Now since language and culture are so intertwined, knowing another language fluently can affect a child's sense of "who" they are - make learning another language, especially if it is one in your family's heritage POSITIVE.

When we choose to not teach our children a language we have to recognize that part of how we think also is not passed on. So, if we learn a language later in life, we will try to implement rules of logic, thought, and grammar into that 'new' language. Genc & Bada (2005) indicated that the theory of language and culture is so intertwined because, "we perceive the world in terms of categories and distinctions found in our  native language and... what is found in  one language may not be found in another language due to cultural differences." (Read the full article here).

Here's the thing, if we have the gift of another language, there shouldn't be a reason to keep it in our back pocket and not gift our children with that second language. If, at a later age, your child doesn't want to keep it up, they can choose to do so! A child adopted internationally and not given the opportunity to keep their language up, for example, mostly ends up going through the process of language attrition. If you teach your child another language and later chooses to abandon the language, and that's okay with the parents, that is fine! But, I have yet to meet an adult whose mother or father spoke a different language and said "wow, I wish they never taught me [insert language here]." Instead I know plenty of people who say, "I wish my dad/mom had taught me their language."

I guess an extension to this question would be - what do we fail to learn in language when we learn from say a book or a non-native speaker? If we try to "go back" and learn a language, lost from previous generations, we may be able to reconnect, but only within the context we have of our teachers.

Parents, if you have another language sitting in your back pocket, feel free to pass it on to your children. It really is a gift.

Girls, gender roles and "man" fields: Book review

How can we unlock the brilliance of our girl children if we use stereotypes and gender roles from the beginning?

I received some answers and more questions to this question when reading Unlocking Your Brilliance: Smart Strategies for Women to Thrive in Science, Technology, Engineering and Math "

First, I have to say that for college, I went to a pretty good engineering school, but went there not knowing what an engineer "does." It was nearby and I had a scholarship. I was liberal arts undeclared and finished up with a BS in Social Sciences and BA in Scientific and Technical Communications. I had engineering roommates, but girls were out numbered three to one, as the engineering fields were and still are male-dominated.

As a parent of two young children (boy and girl) I really feel it is important to not pigeon hole children into gender-specific roles. It happens SOOO young. My daughter can be an engineer (like her father) or a beautician or a mechanic. My son could be any of those as well! When we talk to children about life, we shouldn't assume that a girl "can't" do something and we should be just as encouraging to girls as we are to boys and vice versa. If they have the drive, they can succeed.

The book goes deeper and for current women in engineering fields (or any math dominated fields) and discusses tactics on how to overcome obstacles, such as: "holding your head high" and for moms especially, "having it all."

Disclosure: I was provided a free copy of this book in exchange for the review. However, this does not impact my view or what I post here!

Oh, The Places You'll Go for Parents

Anyone up for some Dr. Seuss Fan Fiction? or maybe it isn't too much of fiction!

But my attempt to relax while some big decisions are made!

------

Congratulations!
Today is the day.
You're off to Costco!
You're off and away!

You have the list in your head.
You have kids actually wearing shoes.
You can steer the cart
away from the toys if you choose.
You're not on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the parent who must fill the cart before the kids have to go.

You'll look up and down aisles. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of thoughts and your hair full of bile,
you're too smart to go down any chocolate-filled aisle.

And you may not find any
snacks acceptable for allergy-friendly party.
In that case, of course,
you'll head to Whole Foods and hope your kids don't think it is a roller derby .

It's organic there
in the Whole Pay check place.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to parents as conscientious
and caring as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't be a fool.
Pay attention.
Your kids will be part of it too!

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way home!
You'll be seeing red lights!
You'll join the other parents
who turn up the radio to not have to hear the fights.

You won't stop at Target, because you'll have forgot the rest.
You'll pass your exit and you'll soon remember.
Whenever you drive, someone has to go pee and
When you arrive, someone else has fallen asleep

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your MNO drive will drive on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the labels are not clearly marked.
Some PTAs will be welcoming, But mostly they're not.
A place perhaps that is less than working- parent welcoming!
Do you dare to stay home? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you gain?

And IF you go in, should you do day care or work at night...
or find an au pair and or Ms. Poppins? Or, maybe, someone not quite?
Or just stay home with the kids and practically lose your mind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mommy-of -any kind to make up her mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll think you have found the perfect solution
for whatever it is that is currently happening
and soon enough you'll find  you're,
headed, to your biggest fear
The Waiting Place...

...for parents just waiting.
Waiting for a playmate to go
or a poop to come, or a rash to go
or the fluffy mail to come, or the heat to go
or the phone to ring, or the library fines to go
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their bangs to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the kid to take a bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for mommy's night
or waiting, perhaps, for a grandparent to visit
or a pot to boil, or the end of a hissy-fit
or a uniform shirt, or a pair of pants
or the stop of a hurt, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the close friends
whose houses are for playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the realm.
Ready because you're that kind of a mom!

Oh, the places you'll go! There are chores to be done!
There are games to be played. There are baths to be given.
And the magical things you can do with a kitchenaid
will make you the best stepford wife of all.
Dreams! You'll be as infamous as mommies can be,
with the whole wide world watching you parent on TV.

Except that's your nightmare
Because, sometimes we fret

I'm afraid that some times
you'll be part of mommy wars too
Wars that can't be won
Because we're all at fault too

Surrounded!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone is something
you'll never be ever again.

And when you're surrounded, there's a very good chance
you'll eat things that keep you right out an sort of skinny pants.
There are some, down the road between Starbucks and Playgroup,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the diaper be foul.
On you will go
though your toddlers prowl.
On you will go
though the toy aisle.
Reading up many
a school profile,
though your arms may get sore
and the diapers may leak.

On and on you will love,
And I know you'll love far
and keep the kissing and hugging going
until sleepy they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange play dates as you go.
At times be sure when you speak.
Speak with care and have some tact
and remember that Parenting's
a most important act.
Just never foget to be humble and deft.
And teach your kids that it is okay to mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

Your kid may not move mountains

but that is okay!
And....
If your kid is named Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
Understand you'll get comments,
but brush them off with ease

You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain of clothes is waiting.
So...get on your way!

You can lead a preschooler to gymnastics class...

This is a post that is meant to remind me that sometimes, okay maybe a lot of the time (and sometimes it sure the heck seems like ALL the time), I will feel a bit disappointed as a parent. For me, the big thing is to remind myself that it isn't my 4 year old's fault that she gets shy. I think sometimes she does play it up... but really, the situation was horrid, I was embarrassed and life will go on. It isn't necessarily even the shy factor, but sometimes when a 4 year old is the "big" kid, it is hard to not expect more from them than perhaps we would if they were the "baby" or "only."

So what's the situation? Last year my daughter was in dance (and the year before), but our au pair (and me when I was able to sneak over to her class) had a hard time keeping my son out of my daughter's dance class. They often had to go to another studio room for him to play, since the observation room needed more silence than a 1.5 year old could give. Anyway, so what do I do? I sign him up for dance class. It is creative movement and targeted for 2-3 year olds and he's right in the middle of the age group of his small class of around 4 students.

What happens?

Last week he decided he didn't want to go... even with my daughter there. She went in his place and he and I waited outside with me. After class the very lovely and vibrant teacher came out and he ran to her and gave her a big hug.

Sorry dude, what the heck was that?!

He flirts with her like a 2 year old boy does... and agrees with her that he'll dance next week.

So the night before class this week I remind him of dance class and laugh with him and we joke (the way a 2 year old with an awesome sense of humor does) and he says he'll dance in class... I cross my fingers, say a little prayer and know it is unlikely but I have hope!

We get to class a few minutes early this week and I'm telling him we're going to dance, I attempt to bribe him (something I hate to do for something so inconsequential EXCEPT for the fact that the class is paid for!) but he says "ok, no shut the door mama" so that's at least progress, right?

We get in class, he helps set up the mats and he's having fun... until the other kids come in. He chases me toward the door, so I run the other way to the back of the studio, which forces him to go past the teacher who grabs him and tickles him. He laughs, but then looks at me and knows what's up. He has us figured out. UGH. He picks out a pom-pom and decides which color the teacher will have and I attempt to slip out. He notices and starts crying. The music starts and he's with the teacher dancing. He stops crying for a bit when another kid is doing things she's not supposed to be doing, but then realizes he was crying so he starts up again. Finally the teacher brings him out and we end the class. Ugh. Fail.

We leave and luckily they're awesome and understand when I drop the class and we at least get a credit toward my daughter's classes.

Afterward my daughter and I head to a trial gymnastics class. My 4 year old loved gymnastics, especially rhythmic gymnastics. Since, as mentioned before, she's been doing dance for 2.5 years and a few rec center tumbling courses, when she asked for "real" gymnastics classes (it HAS to have the high bars!), I agreed to find some trial classes. I found one and actually in my message asked for an early afternoon course, preferably 3 pm... They had a 4 pm class and I figured we could make that work.

It didn't. We got there, I signed the waiver and she wouldn't go in. I showed her from where I'd be watching.  It had a "sibling" area with movies and a play area. She preferred that but unfortunately I wasn't willing to compromise to say that was an acceptable alternative. So, I pointed out the high bars. Nope. First off, the high bars weren't high (they were low for smaller kids...) and the kids probably already made friends. I swear, sometimes, as a parent you can't win. I feel like I'm in the dark gloomy pages of Dr Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Go!

But it isn't about winning or losing or anything of the sort. It is one single moment in the limited time we have here together. This moment will pass and what impression am I leaving on my daughter with how I reach? I have to remember these things and remember that how I prepare myself is just as important as the attempt to "hype" before hand. And, if I have to hype too much, perhaps it isn't something the kiddo really even wants to do!

I have to remember that even if we didn't make it in, we can learn something from today. Both of us.  For me, it is about (the attempt) to expose her to more and then afterward, not taking it too hard when things don't go as planned. Luckily I didn't pay for this class, though we did use some extra gas, we were able to get other errands done sooner. She didn't get any toys or prizes when we stopped at Toys R Us to pick up the batteries we got on "steal of a deal" with the $5 off $5 coupon, but we agreed that she'll try again for "real" gymnastics when she's 5.

I realize I really want her to have some experiences I didn't really have, but she's 4. She's a bit shy and even 4 pm is hard for her - too late in the day to be in the car for 20 minutes and not almost fall asleep. So, I can lead a preschooler to gymnastics class, but I need to follow her lead and realize her 5 half days of Montessori and dance is probably enough for her right now. Especially after a summer filled with relaxation, except for swimming, where we had similar situations with not wanting to jump right in :)

Supporting women in breastfeeding

I was not breastfed... at all. Whether I turned out okay is questionable.  :)

One thing I hate to hear is "I wasn't breastfed and I'm fine." Here's the thing, one point of data (you, me, or even US) is not significant in the realm of it all. The fact is we know what we do about the drawbacks of a baby not getting breast milk.

Breastfeeding is best for pretty much ALL babies and for mom's health. Of course a happy parent is a better parent for the most part (but of course you can be happy and spend no time with your kid too!), that's where balance comes in.

But, it seems, most of what I hear from people who didn't want to even TRY to breastfeed relates to some sort of fear. Fear of cracked nipples (had it at first with my daughter, got some lanolin and was set!), or baby being attached to them (come on, they were attached INSIDE you for the past 9ish months... so a few more months? ENJOY IT!)...

Breast milk  requires no midnight runs to the store, no bottles to sterilize and always at the right temperature (of course moms who use donor milk, are awesome too! And those who pump for other babies... YOU ROCK!) :)

For moms who want to breastfeed, they need support! I truly believe that the more awareness out there, the more success moms will have. If a mom is having difficulties with any sort of parenting, and if they want to vent, someone is always there to say then "well then don't do it!" - For breastfeeding let's change that!

When a mom is struggling, let's SUPPER her and say... "let's see what we can do to help", for whatever it is! Nursing, co-sleeping, the right stroller even!

And partners... you can support a breastfeeding mom by getting her water, a pillow or nursing wedge... and saying "you can do this and I support you" - find her a lactation consultant or friends whose wives nursed... Find her support... You will want to bond with baby too, we know! More on how partners can support in breastfeeding, tomorrow :)

Know Who You're Dealing WIth with KnowPhone.com

Parents have a lot to worry about. I remember when we purchased our house three years ago, the big concern was who were our neighbors. We did a search to see who the potential neighbors were based on address, the crime statistics and also basics like sex offender registry.

The next thing parents seem to worry about seems to be child care providers. Not everyone has gramma next door. But then, not only do we need to worry about who is in our home, but who their friends are! We hosted an au pair and had a rule that said only other au pairs were allowed to know our address. Since all au pairs have background checks, this made me feel safe. If you are looking at child care providers and someone doesn't have a background check, what do you do? Search them! A google search won't tell you all the details, but knowphone.com does give you more information - everything from arrest records to reverse phone number search. It is a paid service, but it is worth it. Another nice find from knowphone.com is that it will tell you more about transportable numbers such as Google Voice and many cell phone numbers. Regular free services will not tell you this information.

I received a one month service for free to review and www.knowphone.com is giving away THREE freebies to three of www.attachedmoms.com followers! This isn't one of those giveaways where 100 blogs are promoting it - this is for real readers and for parents who really want to know who they're dealing with - neighbors, friends or may be just for fun!

As always, I only review items that are deemed worthy to my readers and my opinions are entirely my own!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Natural consequences for a 4 year old - follow through is the hard part

Willingly swimming not too long ago...

After travelling for work the early part of this week, I was excited to see the kiddos again and get back to normalcy.

Today we faced "what do we do when our 4 year old doesn't want to go to swimming class." I'm sure that part most of this wasn't about the swimming. It was a long day (swimming starts at 5 and my daughter was up before 6 am), and the early part of the week was topsy-turvy.

Parenting decisions and control

The situation can be just about anything. She mostly willingly got ready (was a bit excited to see our au pair so it was delayed, but once our au pair was out the door, she put on her suit and waited (and was upset it took me an extra few minutes to get her brother and myself ready). 

We got to the pool without issue. I hadn't been to her "red star" class so while we were in the shower area, I asked her to show me where this big kid class was and tried to sound super excited... however, once we saw the water the plot to this wonderful day changed (she had earlier asked me to record her swimming). 


She didn't want to go in. She didn't want to swim far. She didn't want to go in.

I asked her why not and she reminded her reason. I told her if she went and sat by her class, I'd tell her teacher, but she wouldn't take her shoes off (this is where my husband would have picked her up and sat her near her class). I asked her "do you want to go on your feet or in the air"? (This is just about a direct quote from Parenting With Love And Logic ). She said neither. I reminded her that we signed her up for this class and she needs to go, since yesterday she had missed class as well (because her brother wasn't interested in quickly getting going from a friend's house... they had trains afterall!).

Who decides what? 

She then had me a bit - she said "why did you spend money on this class when I didn't tell you to do it?"
Yes, that is partly true. I did spend the money and while she didn't tell me to do it, she was excited at the end of last session (last Thursday) and when we signed her up she was there. Hmmph.

So, I told her that she could pay me back for it, but she didn't like that idea.

My "natural-ish" consequence was to let her know that we couldn't stop at Target on the way back because we had already wasted money. I then gave her 5 second warning to decide to go into the water or go home. she began crying. A bit irritated, I tried to stay cool, but then my 2 year old decided to start saying "NO GO HOME! NO GO HOME!" I sent to my 4 year old's eye level and said, "okay it is your choice, you have to decide." She tried negotiating but since she wasn't in the water, I decided to take it as a not swimming decision.


We started walking out and she started crying so I gave her another chance and told her it was her choice, we can go in and then she gets the stop at Target back, or we can go home, but since we wasted gas going to class when she could have told me earlier she wasn't interested, we couldn't go to a play date this weekend. She stopped in her tracks and we walked back to the pool.


But she wouldn't get in. 2 year old wanted to, but he's not signed up this round... so another round of negotiation and mostly "I know what you're going through looks" from other parents. A dad actually made room for me and my son to sit down while we discussed the plan. Almost half of class was over at this point, and I let her know this, but she then said "how about only one minute left." I reminded her that she chose to come back to the pool. 


We left again.


I stopped for a soda that I wanted to avoid. We stopped for water at the fountain (or bubbler for you Wisconsin readers). We went back home. We did not stop at Target, we did not collect the items from the store. We just went home as promised due to the "no swim" decision she made. I reiterated what was HER decision, since that is what it was. I don't want to force her physically do something she really doesn't want to do (her body, her choice (I am pro-life though, I like that term), but I also want to instill responsibility (ahem). 


She fell asleep on the way home. Tired from her long day... I was exhausted from the late flight in last night, another scorpion in the house and the negotiating I wasn't quite ready to do. I wish the threat/reminder of the natural consequence had worked when I gave her options, but it didn't. We've decided my husband will bring her to swim class next week. It is difficult with the two year old tagging along since 5 pm is just a really HARD time for a non-napper... If swimming wasn't as important as it is in the desert where she'll be around a lot of pools, I'd be okay with her not "wanting" this, but for safety reasons we really should continue. We have 4 classes left and I really hope that she goes next week without issue.

Now to follow through on the play date. My husband would prefer to take away Cailliou in the morning, but I want this to be equal - we wasted gas so we can't drive extra makes more sense? right? I hope!


Addendum: 
She woke up from this late napped and asked if she can do a play date this weekend. She most likely didn't see my first response because it was dark in her room as we were talking.... I didn't say anything and she said she'll give me money for gas :) 

A reminder to just say yes

Photo courtesy of Nopsa.Hiit.Fi -
 Via creativecommons

This is mostly a reminder for myself but I'm sure if I struggle with it someone else out there has had a similar day. 

As we headed out to swim class this afternoon with not a cloud in our 110*+ sky, my 4 year old daughter wanted to take her umbrella. Rather saying "sure" or "can you tell me why" I asked her if she had her shoes on yet. She continued to ask about the umbrella and I continued to not answer her.

I need to remember to create that "yes environment" to these "small" things. Even in the midst of trying to get out the door, these "small" things do matter, probably more than getting out of the door (and this time weren't even late!). My daughter WAS thinking, but I set her up to get upset. When I asked her WHY she wanted the umbrella, she replied "to keep the sun from my face." I, having grown up in a not so hot spot in Michigan, do not think of an umbrella for sunny days first ( as an umbrella would be for RAIN, right?).

I can only imagine how different things would have been if I had said to her, "how about we grab your umbrella after you pick your shoes" instead of just saying "I don't see your shoes on your feet."

These mistakes on my part are opportunities to do better AND to teach kids to be humble.

I apologized to her and let her know that YES she had a great idea and we BOTH can do a better job listening to each other :)

My kids are hilarious - jokes by a 1 year old and more

When we were driving back from a trip to San Diego earlier this year, my son, who wasn't even two, was entertaining himself in the car seat.

"Thank you, Thank you...."

< pause >

"BUG!"

"HAHAHAHA"

To a 23 month old that is some hilarious talk!

Stand up comedian in the house!

Now today, we had another joke come through....

As my son was running around saying "choo-CHOO, choo-CHOOO," we realize it has been a while since he went potty... So, my lovely husband asks him to go sit on the potty... He kept running around acting like a train.

So, my 4 year old daughter pipe in and says,"Dadda do you know anything about trains?" 

My husband says "yes" 

To which she replies "well then you should know trains don't go potty."

Cultural sensitivity and prejudice - skin color

What is beauty? What do we teach our children about true beauty if we are very focused on our "outsides"? Being a freckled mostly Finnish background female, I've had light skin and a lot of external pressure in my teen years to "be darker" - but with freckles, I really just burn. I tried the cancer beds a few times as a teen, but that phase didn't last long. I now realize the dangers of tanning beds and wouldn't touch one with a 50 foot pole! I also try to stay out of the sun, not to prevent darkening or even wrinkles, but for health. I try to get some sun for Vitamin D, but I use mostly barrier sunblocks rather than chemical ones for health reasons.

Skin tone and beauty

$3 for lighter skin?

On the other hand, we have people with dark skin who want to be lighter. It is a similar complex perhaps. For some with light skin, the quest to have a smooth tan is desired - hence the tanning beds, spray tans and creams available. In a search of the internet, I did not come across many of these specifically "designed" for teens, and in many states use of tanning beds for those under 18 without parental permission is forbidden.

At a recent stop by our local Asian market, I was appalled to find skin lightening cream specifically marketed for teenagers. What are we telling our young ones when we tell them that who they are naturally, something they have no control over, is not good enough? Who is buying this product? Like tanning products, do teens with darker skin (this was an Indian aisle) get the ideas from their friends and media? Do parents do the skin lightening so the children want it... but what... they are asked to wait until teens to begin the bleaching process? Not only are there the products shown in the picture I snapped, they also have one for men.

What are we teaching our kids regarding tolerance?

Why can't we be happy in our own skin, especially with things that we have no control over naturally? I may be able to control a good part of my weight, but my skin color is ME, it is who I am. It is in my DNA. Education level for those of us in the West is almost entirely "up to us" (with the right support for the most part, overcoming adversity is not easy, even in the good-ol' US of A), but our pigmentation is passed to us by those who most likely struggled, overcame and gave so that we could be who we are today. If we want to change something so basic as skin color, what does that say to our ancestors? At what point will we be able to get past the superficiality of this and look past whether someone is "wheathish" or not? The matrimonials in South Asian ads (both print and online) almost always discuss skin color. Since it is still not taboo entirely to discuss someone's caste (another thing that someone has no control over), it may be even longer for families to stop pressuring children and each other regarding their skin tone.

Hopefully one day, at least on that commune I hope to have (ha!), we can be comfortable with just who we are and not surround our children with undo pressure on something they are entirely born, created and MADE to be!

Mixed Folks - Bill of Rights

People from India have been considered just about every race, and race really shouldn't matter in many aspects of life, but heritage is important. When a person is of mixed race, there often becomes a "third" culture that happens. This post found on Mixed Folks.com, is great.

Bill of Rights for Racially Mixed People

By Maria P.P. Root

 

I HAVE THE RIGHT... -Not to justify my existence in this world. -Not to keep the races separate within me. -Not to be responsible for people's discomfort with my physical ambiguity. -Not to justify my ethnic legitimacy. I HAVE THE RIGHT... -To identify myself differently than strangers expect me to identify. -To identify myself differently from how my parents identify me. -To identify myself differently from my brothers and sisters. -To identify myself differently in different situations. I HAVE THE RIGHT... -To create a vocabulary to communicate about being multiracial. -To change my identity over my lifetime -- and more than once. -To have loyalties and identification with more than one group of people. -To freely choose whom I befriend and love

Maria P. P. Root, PhD, is author of
The Multiracial Experience: Racial Borders as the New Frontier

which you can purchase through Interracial Voice and Amazon.com

Giveaway and Review: Copy-Kids Eat your Fruits and Vegetables

Peer pressure works. We know this, the wonderful people behind Copy-Kids eat fruits and veggies have come up with a "duh why didn't I think of that" concept - kids watching kids eat veggies... cause kids to eat veggies.

I will first disclose that YES, my kids do eat veggies. But, my almost 2 year old has become more picky each day and is full of the word, "no." When I opened up the movie and saw that it was basically 12 sessions (each 7 minutes) of watching kids eat various veggies, I thought there was no way my 4 year old would last - after all, she had just requested to watch a different show. However, once I put it on, both of my kids watched the show... AND ate vegetables. Without saying anything, I put a bowl of raw carrots and broccoli in a bowl. The first session was kids eating peppers. My daughter was eating broccoli. I found a bell pepper, sliced it up, put it in the bowl... both kids went for the pepper. Soon I had to bring out another bowl for more veggies. By the second chapter, my 4 year old was fully engrossed, asking questions about the kids (mostly how old they were), and requesting various fruits and veggies to watch (and then eat). My son was also interested and ate more than his share of snack!

I'd say this was a hit. Subliminal messaging for a non-veggie eater or just fun alternative to cartoons if mom needs a few minutes to say... wipe up a mess or fold some laundry... No guilt in this, right!

Eat your: Apples – Avocado – Banana – Bell Pepper – Blueberries – Broccoli – Carrots – Cucumber – Orange – Raspberries – Strawberries – Tomato

After the kids watched 10 out of the 12, I went to the extras and was happy to see an interview with Dr. Jay Gordon, confirming what we know - kids need veggies to grow strong and not only do WE need to be role models, but we also need to start it young and be consistent.

See a trailer here and know that if you don't win the giveaway below... You can order your own with confidence!

Awards:

Dr. Toy: http://www.drtoy.com/product-view/?productid=119

MACT: http://www.award-winning-healthy-child-products.com/2012/03/19/copy-kids-wins-the-prestigious-mact-excellence-award/



Disclosure Statement: The views here are my own. While I was given a free copy of the DVD to review and one to use as a giveaway, it in no way influenced my opinion or views posted here.

Yooper Speech and How I love prepositions

Not entirely parenting related, but it comes up at our house often enough that it probably is a topic of discussion that has to do with ed-u-ma-cation of kiddos. I'm originally from Michigan. Rural Michigan... to be more exact, I'm a Yooper.  As in 5 hours to Green Bay and 8+ hours to Detroi(t).  I was in 11th grade when I found out "yous" (as in Yous guys, like the Southern "ya'll) wasn't proper English. I also speak with tons of ending prepositions. I may even type like .

So when this lovely blog showed up in my facebook feed, I had to read along and determine that, even though most of this has to do with Troll-speak, I do most of these as well. I am working hard to say waTer and not wadder, and that was due to a friend I have here in Phoenix (from Pennsylvania). I heard her say "waTer" and was like WOW, that's a cool way to say H20!

More yooperish would be saying "eh" at the end of each sentence, and possibly adding in a few extra snow words (chook, pank, etc)

Since attachment parenting has a lot to do with aware parenting, I do attempt to be more conscious of how I say what I say. I don't want my kids to get to 11th grade to find out that mountains isn't proncounced "mau-ins," as I say it... still :)

The Darndest Things

Of course kids say just the greatest things! Well now I know that our daughter hears us... not sure about the listening, but here's a good one: Hubby: Yes! I finally solved this problem. (To 4 year old daughter) Your daddy's smart! 4 year old: But how can you be smart daddy? Hubby: What do you mean? 4 year old: You watch so much tv, your brain must be mush! Oh my... 4 year old loves watching tv and we try to minimize it. She knows to ask if something is violent or not. She knows that Sponge Bob is not allowed and it makes your brain smaller (or so we have her believing) and that too much tv makes you forget how to think and your brain turns to mush. Not sure how else to explain it... but she's listening :)

A family garden - A desert experiment

This year I plan to really buckle down and do a garden. Since it is January in Phoenix... we might as well get started. This weekend's goal is to get some material to create a raised bed garden. This past year (and the fall prior) we tried doing in ground with a mix of compost and it just really doesn't work. We get chilis to grow and a half a tomato and that is it!

For those in a similar situation... here're some recommendations for February.

So how does gardening come into this blog? I really feel that this can be a family event. Most Montessori schools have their 3 year olds working the garden and V really loves watching the plants grow (but not flower!) in our garden... so I hope by paying a bit more attention and being more diligent in watching the calendar (I also have a GREAT book by "The Garden Guy" link below)... we can actually grow some of our own food this year!

A parenting thought...

I really believe that you can't be offended by someone's comments if you are secure in your belief/decision. When someone says something to you that offends you, or if you read one of my posts or shares, don't get down on yourself. Every family is different. When you compare with other families you will either judge or feel bad until you are content with what YOU have.

If you think someone is judging you, especially if it is fact-based post, then consider where you are in your journey. We all have faults. We all make mistakes. We all have times of insecurity. We all have our vices. Do YOUR best and be honest with yourself and things should work out just fine :)

Peace!

Women and Work - the bond and parenting

Recently I was involved in a facebook conversation regarding paid time off for women when they give birth. The fact is, only a few countries do not, as countries, realize that women aren't machines and if the countries want them to be part of the work force, then the realization of human nature must also be recognized. Women give birth, not men. When a child is born, the mother lactates. Hormones are released and women are to bond to their child. When mother and child are separated, nature changes. According to Wikipedia, Only four countries have no national law mandating paid time off for new parents: Liberia, Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, and the United States.

There are societal benefits to women in the workplace. Also many families' budgets require them to work. However, when a woman is forced to choose between heading back to work before baby and mom is ready or lose their job. Most women return to work. Whether it is a societal pressure to continue on as before or an actual need, it is there. It may also be that the woman might well, enjoy their job! No matter the reason, we have to realize that, as a society, our tax dollars go toward many fun things... bridges to no where, impotence drugs, repaving of roads that are already paved. However, many argue that they don't want the government telling them what to do and/or that it isn't the government's responsibility (or right) to force more tax dollars into paid family leave.

Human Rights Watch published a 90+ page report over going the ills of and the rights violation we have in the US because there is no requirement for women to be able to stay home for even 6-12 weeks, paid, after having a baby. From HRW,

"This report is based on interviews with 64 parents across the country. It documents the health and financial impact on American workers of having little or no paid family leave after childbirth or adoption, employer reticence to offer breastfeeding support or flexible schedules, and workplace discrimination against new parents, especially mothers. Parents said that having scarce or no paid leave contributed to delaying babies' immunizations, postpartum depression and other health problems, and caused mothers to give up breastfeeding early. Many who took unpaid leave went into debt and some were forced to seek public assistance. Some women said employer bias against working mothers derailed their careers. Same-sex parents were often denied even unpaid leave."

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, only 11 percent of civilian workers (and 3 percent of the lowest-income workers) have paid family leave benefits. Lovely isn't it!

A slate article pointed out many things, including: One study tracked Norwegian children who were born after 1977, when that country increased its paid leave from zero to four months and its unpaid leave from three to 12 months, and found that the kids born after the change had lower high school dropout rates. Military draft data, moreover, tied lengthened leaves to increases in male IQ (and height, too).

This is an attachment parenting blog. Those reading it often understand or want to know more about bonding with their child. I work full time. I telecommute. I want to create and keep a strong bond with my children. Does my job get in the way of that? Yes. However, I do have it a bit better than many working moms since I do get to see them off and on through the day. To counter those times without mom - we co sleep, extended breastfeed, etc. But, those first few weeks are the most important. To indicate that the fact that women do give birth and that "inconvenience" shouldn't be "rewarded" is quite narrow-sited and lacks humanity.

A few more links for your internetting pleasure:

http://www.u.arizona.edu/~ajf/pdf/Kobayashi,%20Sales,%20Becker,%20Figueredo,%20&%20Kaplan%201995.pdf
http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/APA-Monitor-attachment.html
http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/bonding.htm
http://www.llli.org/faq/prevention.html

Dealing with our emotions as parents

It can often be difficult to discern our innate feelings from the emotions that may overwhelm our brain when we're faced with a difficult situation. Many families are facing financial issues, which, compounded with deciding between mom continuing to stay at home or going back into the career world, and/or feeling confused over what their familial goals are, can cause the even the best of relationships to get shaky.

What, then, is a family to do when their emotion-o-meter is out of whack AND the children are having difficulties of their own, which may or may not be entirely due to the parental unit's issues? It can easily become a cyclical issue where the parents are stressed, so the kids are stressed, so they act out, so the parents get up set and MORE stressed, so the kids feel it and don't know how to act around the parents anymore, so the parents get more frustrated, and on, and on.

Ever feel like taking a one-way train?
Keep your emotion's open and in check for your family!

As parents it is in our court to get control of our emotions. We cannot expect the kids to make things better, no matter how good it feels to have happy kids. The typical "family clown" comes from parents not having control and the child feeling the need to "make things nice." Instead, parents need to have time to really talk things through and come to a determination what is the (current) right direction for the family. Family meetings and open communication is also important at this time. Parents should talk candidly, yet honestly with their kids, even the young ones! Let them know that even if things are rough you are working to make things better! Let them know how helpful they've been- either way they do feel and know more than we often suspect. Plus, the more honesty that is out there, the more the bond of trust there is in the family.

Going back to my recent post about "me" time and/or MNO, keep in mind that your emotional health is important! a happy mommy is a better mommy. Be sure you're being true to you while you're being a great, attached parent to your child(ren)!

Mom's Night Out is Being Me time!

Who doesn’t love a mommy’s night out? I know that most of my friends have the full time job as stay at home mom. As an attached parent I often feel pulled to make the switch, but honestly I am not sure that I am cut out to be a SAHM. I am very type-A and, most likely due to my upbringing, need to daily know my worth, and while my kids are GREAT, I’m not sure that I am at the point in my life where I could feel my worth entirely by the hugs and kisses of my kids.

Are there any other attached working moms out there who do their best to balance work, kids, and a relationship? How do you do it? For those who are at home, where do you get your daily gratitude?

I know I am blessed with a great network of attached friends. We can get together for a few hours sans-kids (though honestly we’ve often had more nurslings with us than not for many of our mommy’s nights!) and be adults again. I know many moms who have their get togethers and have a no-kids talk, but we don’t have rules. We just have friendships! New moms join us, some are regulars, but in the end, we get “me” time. Part of being “me” is that I have kids, so I love that I can be fully “me” and still get that time with friends. This post is for those friends out there who post a request for a mom’s night, just at that right time!