Define success for a 5 year old

I was reading the Psychology Today post entitled, "What will make your kid succeed in kindergarten" and I opened the article thinking, well, what the heck is success to a five year old?

I read this after I was perusing and found that not only do parents in NYC camp out for kindergarten admissions and take out student loans, but expats in Mumbai pay $30K a year (+ other costs I'm sure) to send their child to the American School there. What the??

So yes, this article/post was one that reminded us of the days before the assumption was that hugging teachers were molesters or predatory. Instead, we recognized that hey! A 5 year old needs to feel comforted when they're sad. For many it may be their first experience really outside the home. Do we want our kids to be sent to some cold, foreign environment where hugging isn't permitted, and in fact, the rules indicate we have to "keep our hands and feet and other objects to ourselves?" Even hugging amongst the kids? Is that even permitted if rule one is to basically have no physical contact?


So what does the article say, the teacher matters. I'm sure this is the case for our daughter's preschool as well. We're changing her school this coming year since we're going from two half days to five and well... (21 miles each way just is a lot of gas to be consuming when an AMI school is just down the road a few miles.) and we've heard that one teacher is better than the other. I may need to ask to visit the school and see the two teachers in action again and make a request.

So yes, I guess we don't need a private school if the public school teacher is caring. We don't need overpriced extra activities, if the child is comfortable. We don't need to overindulge in the excess, if the child is welcomed and able to flourish. Does your child have that?

(Disclaimer, nothing against the parents who teach their children at home in their own loving, stable environment! We know how much of the time in the "classroom" goes when the child is focused, loved and supported!)

With love to my children...

A person's a person, no matter how small.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember to put "things" into perspective. When my 19 month old has decided to climb atop our glass table (yes not exactly the most kid friendly), I should remind myself... " a person's a person no matter how small" - and unless he's in danger, ask or at least let him know before I pick him up. It is his body after all.

A person's a person, no matter how small.

Some very powerful words from Dr. Seuss.

Holiday traditions - keeping up the traditions, when all seems lost

Every family has traditions they grew up with that they either love or hate. Of course if we love them we try to pass them down, but if we're not so sure about them, we may not see the value in passing those down. However, we must consider that perhaps, some of the traditions we may not truly love, we may appreciate enough to carry on for our kids, just as our parents or grand parents did.

A big part of parenting is making decisions that are right for your family. For some reason your parents thought that a tradition was important enough to pass down: whether it is baking a dozen kinds of cookies, heading to the temple weekly, or giving foot rubs through Easter, if you remember them (and aren't entirely scarred!) consider taking some time to pass them down! Talk to the previous generation and ask the questions you didn't know when you were young - you never know what you may learn, and be able to pass on and teach your child. As technology becomes more of a common-place for our children, there is a likelihood that some of the "niceties" of family togetherness may be lost. Just as much as your family's traditions are there, talk to your spouse/significant other/baby's daddy/mommy and find out what traditions are there. It takes a village to raise a child, and sometimes it just takes generations of family to really mold a child's interest in their heritage.

Dealing with our emotions as parents

It can often be difficult to discern our innate feelings from the emotions that may overwhelm our brain when we're faced with a difficult situation. Many families are facing financial issues, which, compounded with deciding between mom continuing to stay at home or going back into the career world, and/or feeling confused over what their familial goals are, can cause the even the best of relationships to get shaky.

What, then, is a family to do when their emotion-o-meter is out of whack AND the children are having difficulties of their own, which may or may not be entirely due to the parental unit's issues? It can easily become a cyclical issue where the parents are stressed, so the kids are stressed, so they act out, so the parents get up set and MORE stressed, so the kids feel it and don't know how to act around the parents anymore, so the parents get more frustrated, and on, and on.

Ever feel like taking a one-way train?
Keep your emotion's open and in check for your family!

As parents it is in our court to get control of our emotions. We cannot expect the kids to make things better, no matter how good it feels to have happy kids. The typical "family clown" comes from parents not having control and the child feeling the need to "make things nice." Instead, parents need to have time to really talk things through and come to a determination what is the (current) right direction for the family. Family meetings and open communication is also important at this time. Parents should talk candidly, yet honestly with their kids, even the young ones! Let them know that even if things are rough you are working to make things better! Let them know how helpful they've been- either way they do feel and know more than we often suspect. Plus, the more honesty that is out there, the more the bond of trust there is in the family.

Going back to my recent post about "me" time and/or MNO, keep in mind that your emotional health is important! a happy mommy is a better mommy. Be sure you're being true to you while you're being a great, attached parent to your child(ren)!

Mutterings of a loving parent

... you can't teach respect by demanding it. You can't teach self-discipline by spanking. You can guide by giving choices. Children live what they learn. They can't learn to love by being singled out and sent away when they're "bad." Children can learn resentment when we think we're teaching them cooperation. Children can define themselves by the words we mutter beneath our breath. Be not afraid of loving your child. Stick by them, get to know them. Ask them questions and foster their curiosity.

It may be hard, but they're always growing. Always watching. Always learning.

What are you teaching when you think you're just exhausted?

What are you learning as you parent each day?

Finding local fun

Most of my posts center around either "facts and descriptions" or rants. This one is a bit more up-beat, I suppose. One part of parenting is finding that thing that keeps your family moving. In these days, we often are overwhelmed by technology: You may have computers (thank you for reading this blog!), TiVo, gaming systems, ipads, handheld reading divices and more. The list for "things" we have in our homes that prevent us from really engaging our children would probably be longer: bouncers, jumpers, cradles, cribs, swings, gates, talking toys, handheld gaming systems....

Riding a big kid bike at the local Children's Museum.

To have that bond with your children, you really need to get to know them. Play with them, let them take the lead. Don't use "there's nothing to do" or "the weather here sucks to go out doors" as excuses. That's what they are. They aren't reasons, afterall. Instead, find that something that you all can enjoy and interact. Find something outide your comfort zone even. Try something new!

Today we were able to spend a three hours at our local children's museum. It was a good time for both kids, and I found out that in the past three weeks my 3-year-old has grown enough to now be the "driver" on the big kids bikes! My 11-month-old was able to interact a bit with some other "babies" and loved walking through the "carwash" because there was a drying station where a fan blew his hair crazy. These are the moments that help you bond and get to know your children.

Crawl on the floor with them. Go on a bug hunt. Head to the park. Make a fort. Grab a guitar and pretend to play if you can't and have a jam session. Let it go, be free and have fun!

Keeping mama happy

Don't hold that baby so much! You'll spoil her! You'll never get away if you don't spend time alone now! Apparently some people believe there's a window of opportunity to get away from your child (as in baby really, you know, spend a night away by the time they're 3 or 6 months) and if you don't do it you're forever burdened with your child.

Um....

I chose to have my children. Because of that, it is my responsibility to raise them. Not some books'. Not some crazy pastor. Not my pediatrician. Definitely, not my friends' responsibility either. Because of that, I need to raise them how I see fit. That means being okay with them being around me. Yes, I want space too, but I also want happy, secure kids who know I love them. I'm sure most other parents want that, but in this crazy world inside my head, I'm not sure how purposely being away from your child again and again, for no reason, but perceived happiness to be away, is going to do that. A child needs to feel secure to be secure.

Bowlby and Ainsworth (here I am telling you to not read a book to tell you how to raise your child, right?) researched and came up with attachment theory based on observations, empirical evidence and using the scientific theory with behavior - we know that children crave attention - if we require them to act out to get it, they'll act out. If we're responsive, honest and loving, they will follow through and know it. How, though, can you have that relationship if you're listening to the trainer who tell you to leave your child on purpose, let them cry for hours for no reason, or to spank/hit/degrade?

I don't get it.

I don't expect to get it, nor do I want to get it. What I do want, however, is to not be told that I'm spoiling my child? Um, my three year old is actual pretty independent and no, we didn't force her to cry. Yes, she was held all the time. No, we did not put her in a stroller until after a year, meaning that yes we wore her constantly. Yes, she still is in our room. No, I don't think she'll be there when she heads to college.

So, am I happy? Yes, I made my parenting decisions. Yes, I question things - I question because I want better... I'm not going to be happy being complacent or allowing others to make decisions for me. The last time I did that, I was on a surgery table thinking I was going to die and not ever hold my child. All for naught!

So, what keeps mama happy? Knowing that you, this blog reader, also has the right to parent as you choose. Just make sure it is something that keeps your family in mind, not some "leader" who doesn't know your child. Not a person who tells you something because they think it is what you WANT to hear. What make me happy is that babies have the right to be held, loved, cared-for and above all... respected.

Respect and compliance

http://www.attachedresources.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=156&t=181
Respect is different than compliance.

Just because someone hears you it doesn't mean they are listening.

Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you always do, feel or think the same as that person.

A child who only complies, does not learn to think, discern or exchange for growth.  The next time your child is "defiant", while you are trying to fake a smile because you're in a rush to leave that big-box store, remind yourself that there is good to having a child who wants to explore, think, and challenge... but then find a way to gently and respectfully encourage your child to see why you must leave, rather than wish your child would listen better....