A parenting thought...

I really believe that you can't be offended by someone's comments if you are secure in your belief/decision. When someone says something to you that offends you, or if you read one of my posts or shares, don't get down on yourself. Every family is different. When you compare with other families you will either judge or feel bad until you are content with what YOU have.

If you think someone is judging you, especially if it is fact-based post, then consider where you are in your journey. We all have faults. We all make mistakes. We all have times of insecurity. We all have our vices. Do YOUR best and be honest with yourself and things should work out just fine :)

Peace!

Decipher a baby’s cry

I wrote this little note when our daughter was a few weeks old. We rewatched it before our son came along. It is an important tool in responding to a baby.

I highly recommend Dunston’s Baby Language. It is over-priced for the short movie, but if your local library has it, definitely check it out. If you have a baby on the way, maybe register for it, or shell out the bucks - I think it is worth it. In case you can’t go out and get it, the one I have (thanks Carolyn!) is for babies 0-3 months.
The basic sounds to listen for:
Heh - uncomfrotable, change diaper, position or too hot/cold
Neh - hungry - watch for the tongue curling up
Eh - upper wind, gas - burp baby
Owh - open mouth - tired, help baby relax
Eairh - baby has lower gas, generally from not burping. Massage tummy, back, alternating to get baby ready to burp

The DVD gives lots of examples of babies crying. Try to catch it early before the baby is wailing. We’ve been  using this and the only time Viveka is wailing is if she’s hungry and wet at the same time :) Since we cloth diaper the wetting is more appearent early on, but the good thing is no signs of any rash and we haven’t ran out of dipes at all :)

Babywearing - protect your right, love your baby

Ugh. I have to start this post with that 3-letter word. The CPSC has decided they would like to shutdown babywearing. While not everyone can sew their own, either due to lack of time or talent, there are many happy babies out there being worn by their parents, either because of necessity, because they realize the benefits, or because soemoen else did it (heck, not the best reason, but I'll take it!).




In the end we have to find a way to ensure that safety is a priority, and it is with work-at-home parents. A "gateway" babywearing divice, HOTSLINGS, appears to be out of business (their website is down, and there's a letter of goodbye to them on the Babywearing Industry Alliance website). So, what's next?



Earlier this year, the CPSC issued a recall on bay-style carriers because some babies died. Yes, this is tragic (and I'll get slightly political, 4 times more babies die each year from circumcision...), but it doesn't mean that all babywearing is bad. In fact, babywearing is nothing new. It is something done for centuries out of necessity and to promote bonding. As a baby- and toddler-wearing mom, I am outraged that there appears to be action against babywearing.



According to their abstract, "The Home Observation for Measurement of the Environment (HOME), Father Involvement and Developmental Quotient (Griffiths) scores. Results: 1) Kangaroo mothers created a more stimulating context and a better caregiving environment than mothers in the Traditional Care group; 2) this environment was positively correlated to father involvement and 3) the family environment of male infants was most improved by Kangaroo Mother Care" ... basically, babywearing works and is better than plopping the baby in a stationary item or bucket... (Citation: Tessier, R., Charpak, N., Giron, M., Cristo, M., de Calume, Z., & Ruiz-Peláez, J. (2009). Kangaroo Mother Care, home environment and father involvement in the first year of life: a randomized controlled study. Acta Paediatrica, 98(9), 1444-1450. doi:10.1111/j.1651-2227.2009.01370.x.)



We know that infants, especially premature babies benefit from kangaroo care (babywearing).

We know that many babies and toddlers love to be worn for comfort and love to be touched

We know that this has been done for generations and is not something new

We know that babywearing is best for babies

We know that Dr Sears (and many others) indicate that sling babies cry less

We know that babies learn more when they're content, and sling babies cry less...



We KNOW that babywearing can be done safely.



Please help save SAFE babywearing - get rid of the "bag" carriers (made by large companies, not by moms who care!), educate for safe waring... and please contact government:





1. Stop all recall actions against baby sling companies until



2. We can finalize the ASTM voluntary sling standards (scheduled for November) and



3. Force the CPSC to follow their own internal procedures, stop using bullying tactics, and use sound science.











SENATE: Mark Pryor – Chairman, AR (202) 224-2353 (202) 224-2353



Byron L. Dorgan, ND (202) 224-2551 (202) 224-2551



Barbara Boxer, CA (202) 224-3553 (202) 224-3553



Bill Nelson, FL (202) 224-5274 (202) 224-5274



Claire McCaskill, MO (202) 224-6154 (202) 224-6154



Amy Klobuchar, MN (202) 224-3244 (202) 224-3244



Tom Udall, NM (202) 224-5941 (202) 224-5941



Roger Wicker – Ranking Member, MS (202) 224-6253 (202) 224-6253



Olympia J. Snowe, ME (202) 224-5344 (202) 224-5344



Jim DeMint, SC (202) 224-6121 (202) 224-6121



John Thune, SD (202) 224-2321 (202) 224-2321



Johnny Isakson, GA (202) 224-3643 (202) 224-3643



David Vitter, LA (202) 224-4623 (202) 224-4623











HOUSE: Bobby L. Rush, IL, Chairman 202-225-4372 202-225-4372 ; 773-224-6500 773-224-6500



Jan Schakowsky, IL, Vice Chair 202-225-2111 202-225-2111 ; 773-506-7100 773-506-7100



Ed Whitfield, KY, Ranking Member 202-225-3115 202-225-3115 ; 270-885-8079 270-885-8079



John P. Sarbanes, MD 202-225-4016 202-225-4016 ; 410-832-8890 410-832-8890



George Radanovich, CA 202-225-4540 202-225-4540 ; 559-449-2490 559-449-2490



Betty Sutton, OH 202-225-2266 202-225-2266 ; 330-865-8450 330-865-8450



Cliff Stearns, FL 202-225-5744 202-225-5744 ; 352-351-8777 352-351-8777



Frank Pallone, Jr., NJ 202-225-4671 202-225-4671 ; 732-571-1140 732-571-1140



Joseph R. Pitts, PA 202-225-2411 202-225-2411 ; 717-303-0667 717-303-0667



Bart Gordon, TN 202-225-4231 202-225-4231 ; 615-896-1986 615-896-1986



Mary Bono Mack, CA 202-225-5330 202-225-5330 ; 760-320-1076 760-320-1076



Bart Stupak, MI 202-225-4735 202-225-4735 ; 231-348-0657 231-348-0657



Lee Terry, NE 202-225-4155 202-225-4155 ; 402-397-9944 402-397-9944



Gene Green, TX 202-225-1688 202-225-1688 ; 281-999-5879 281-999-5879



Sue Wilkins Myrick, NC 202-225-1976 202-225-1976 ; 704-362-1060 704-362-1060



Charles A. Gonzalez, TX 202-225-3236 202-225-3236 ; 210-472-6195 210-472-6195



Tim Murphy, PA 202-225-2301 202-225-2301 ; 412-344-5583 412-344-5583



Anthony D. Weiner, NY 202-225-6616 202-225-6616 ; 718-520-9001 718-520-9001



Phil Gingrey, GA 202-225-2931 202-225-2931 ; 770-429-1776 770-429-1776



Jim Matheson, UT 202-225-3011 202-225-3011 ; 801-486-1236 801-486-1236



Steve Scalise, LA 202-225-3015 202-225-3015 ; 504-837-1259 504-837-1259



G. K. Butterfield, NC 202-225-3101 202-225-3101 ; 252-237-9816 252-237-9816
Robert E. Latta, OH 202-225-6405 202-225-6405 ; 419-668-0206 419-668-0206
John Barrow, GA 202-225-2823 202-225-2823 ; 912-354-7282 912-354-7282

Joe Barton, TX 202-225-2002 202-225-2002 ; 817-543-1000 817-543-1000


Information from http://www.thebabywearer.com/forum/showthread.php?416887-Brace-Yourself

(A TBW link to a 2008 indication of the lack of safety of BAG style slings: http://www.thebabywearer.com/forum/showthread.php?205359-Concerns-about-quot-bag-slings-quot-PIC-HEAVY-amp-LONG)

At what point is CIO abuse?

Now I'll start with, yes, this will be offensive to some. I'm sorry but I can't be quiet on this topic when I heard that there's this thing called "cry it out bootcamp." On a message board I'm on, someone posted that they thought they were going to have to resort to CIO. As you know I am not in favor of CIO or any other form of child "care" that means you're not responding to that individual child as an individual who has needs, desires and rights.
Anyway, apparently in this "bootcamp" a mother chronicled that they cried it out for FIVE HOURS. I went to some "baby wise" blogs and browsed through some usergroups and hardly ever do they follow some of the "responsible" decision making when someone determines that CIO would be best.

From babywisemom on blogspot (sorry I am not linking it because then more of you may end up there than otherwise and I'm whole-heardedly against CIO),
" I feel like to do CIO responsibly, the we need to do several things. Some of these are a given, but when you’re a first-time mom, they might not seem intuitive. And yes, the we should do ALL of these things, not some of them:
Make sure baby is well fed. Monitor your supply closely if you are BF’ing. Make sure your pediatrician is monitoring your baby’s growth.
Make sure baby is not sick in any way (reflux, ear infections, food sensitivities, etc.).
Stick to the eat/awake/sleep routine.
Stick to the schedule consistently.
Be sure to put baby down at the optimal wake time (which includes feeding time).
Have a routine before you put baby down to transition him to sleep, whether that’s rocking, singing, dancing, closing the curtains, whatever. But always put baby down awake (a little drowsy is OK).
Have a reason for CIO. It should only be necessary for initial sleep training or when going through phases like rolling over, standing up, weaning from swaddle, etc. If crying happens out of the blue for a baby who has always slept well, CIO cannot be the first course of action. You need to consider the context and characterization of the child. You need to investigate all possible causes including a visit to the doctor. Offer Tylenol 20 minutes before the nap if you suspect teething. Evaluate the baby’s behavior during awake time. If you are still stumped, I would comfort the baby until you can figure out the reason.
Don’t start CIO while other changes are going on. If you are weaning, changing formulas, visiting family or experiencing any other disruption to your routine, wait until that disruption is over before you start CIO.
Keep track of how long the baby is crying. It’s best to distract yourself during CIO, but you need to monitor it. Write it down if that helps. When done effectively and responsibly, the CIO shouldn’t take more than 3-5 days and the crying should be less and less each nap/bed time. Initially, baby might cry for an hour. The next time it should be closer to 45 minutes, then 30 minutes and so on. When I have done CIO with Lucas, my youngest, it realistically never took more than 3-4 naps before we were over the problem. The first time was always the hardest but then it got better very fast. With a baby on a 3-hour routine with an awake time of one hour, the most the baby would cry is 2 hours. Even that is a little long in my book, so consider doing a 2.5-hour schedule (which BW condones), meaning the longest CIO would be 1.5 hours.
Above all, be consistent. Being wishy washy about it will only drag it on, confuse the baby and make matters worse. If you can’t handle the CIO, don’t do it at all. Don’t set time limits. Don’t get them up some times and not others. Don’t rock/nurse the baby to sleep some times and not others. You need to decide what you want your baby to learn. Set the rules and stick to them. It’s OK if you can’t handle doing CIO consistently. It’s not for everyone. If it’s not for you, don’t do it at all. Read other books, like Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, and find another method."

So those are good recommendations, but how often do you hear people talking about CIO as not being the option for an over-tired parent and a kid who just learned they can stand up? I also read a comment regarding how long you should let a baby cry that said "No limit. Unless you want it to grow up spoiled. ... " WAIT>>> WHAT? So I guess this 5 hour mom isn't the only one who believes a child should learn that it is a cruel, cruel world and your parents can't be trusted to help you out.

Anyway, this baby-unwise mom started the expectation that the baby should CIO at 5 days. Yep, 5 days. Fresh from the hospital and already left on his own in the world. I'm sorry but if you CHOOSE to become a parent, then you have to realize your life will not fit in a perfect little package anymore. Your schedule will be disrupted. The more you're with your child, the more you hold your child, the better you'll get to know your child and his/her needs. If your child is tired but is having difficulties falling asleep, put your baby in a sling, nurse her and get some exercise... V loved taking walks in the sling. I got out of the house (even if it was just around the apartment complex). On these message boards I hardly ever see anyone recommend they are sure that CIO is "right" for them and at the "right" time and that they know their baby's schedule like the aforementioned blog (and presumably the book) does.

So back to this 5 hour marathon CIO session. Imagine yourself, as the adult you are, shut into a dark room, alone. You're not sure why you're there so you start calling out "hello, hey... anyone? anyone there?" After a few minutes you get no response. So you call again "hey is anyone out there..." then a bit later, you get louder. You're calling out because you hear someone out there, but you can't get out because you're in some sort of cage (or, you find, the door is locked). After a while, I'm sure it would get a bit stressful. Since you know someone's out there, you continue to try to get their attention. After some time, you may give up, but your stress level is bound to be still high.

Now think of a child, alone in a crib, put down to sleep by (loving) parents. Not ready or able to soothe themselves to sleep (because the parent doesn't feel it is in their job description or because they fear they are spoiling their child?), the child is left alone to make their way to bed. If they aren't at the point where they are ready to go to sleep, they may start crying. Good night little bug, says mommy and the door shuts. Perhaps there is a nightlight for comfort, or maybe some nursery music, I'm not sure of the exact rules. The baby then may start the same as you would as an adult, but since they may not have words yet, or just know how to say (scream/cry) mamamamam... they start calling for you... and calling for you... but, the books and the websites (and doctors??) say to let them cry it out. Let them learn to self soothe. Let the baby be... After a few hours, like you, the baby will get pooped out. The baby may fall asleep, but it doesn't mean damage hasn't been done. It doesn't mean the baby isn't stressed. It doesn't mean that there isn't some type of psychological damage. Of course I'm not saying every child who is let to cry is damaged, but what I am saying is that there are alternatives and that cry it out shouldn't be the first answer, nor is it the answer to your child's sleep question.

Now, if you are having an emotional breakdown, it may be better to let your baby cry for five minutes while you de-steam, than going in and getting upset or screaming at your baby... but that should be your warning that something has to change and that you may need help. Stop thinking you can't let anyone know that you need help and ask a friend, relative, or neighbor to help you a few hours a week so that you can face your child appropriately. It is NOT the baby's fault that you're going through what you are.

My recommendations are these
1) (and foremost) give up your belief that there are good sleepers/bad sleepers
2) give up the idea that a baby should 'sleep through the night by X weeks/months/years"
3) realize that for young infants a five hour period of sleeping non stop is considered great
4) realize that every child is an individual so you can't compare one child to the next as to what they need
5) consider a co-sleeper or a family bed (if you are non-smokers, not over weight, not heavy sleepers, not on drugs or alcohol and both (or the single parent) agrees to it so that you're next to baby and don't have to get up because they do... plus when you're breastfeeding, even less waking time when they need to eat at
night
6) engage in night time parenting. Parenting is a 24x7 job after all!
7) You (your family) and your baby should decide what is positive and not some book (or blog haha).
8) Have balance. If your baby is waking often and you need more sleep. Have someone come help you for two hours in the afternoon so you can nap. Alternate who wakes with the baby at night if you're not breastfeeding
9) Listen to this Harvard study (I hate name dropping but sometimes it works!) "
parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they'll feel safe" and ... " 'Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently," Commons said. "It changes the nervous system so they're overly sensitive to future trauma.' "
So, do you think it is ethical to sleep train? Do you think it is fine to leave a young child alone when they aren't comfortable but not an adult? If you let a baby cry it out, apparently it is okay, but if you do the same to an adult (vulnerable or not) it is considered false imprisonment and is punishable by law.

Oh yeah... and Ferber recanted. I love saying that!
Some links for your pleasure:
http://naturalparentingcenter.wordpress.com/2008/12/17/never-ever-ever-let-baby-cry-it-out/
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/08/11/cry-it-out-cio-is-it-harmful-or-helpful/
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp
http://www.awareparenting.com/comfort.htm
http://pedsinreview.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/10/1/17
http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/linda_folden_palmer2.html
http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNeedTou.html