Forming a bond, before birth

With my first pregnancy, I read everything that was happening that day, week, month with in my body. I read about birth. I wanted to form an attachment from birth, so I wanted to have a natural birth. I wanted to experience labor, I wanted to breastfeed early on. I did form an attachment, but it wasn't immediate. I was on an operating table. I didn't have a natural birth. I was talked into an epidural. I was talked into internal monitoring. I was worn out and I agreed to a cesarean. One that was unnecessary.

I am now okay with that cesarean. However, I’m not okay with the policies that many doctors and hospitals want to place on me. I’m not okay with the fact that the OB I had switched to had decided it was NECESSARY for me to have an epidural upon admission. Why? In case I had to have a cesarean. Her reason? It would be easier for me? When I said I'd prefer not to have it, she told me of this woman and that who said they couldn't do the VBAC without it. How do they know...? Are they me?

I said I wanted to be able to feel the birth and I thought it would help because isn’t that how a woman knows if she’s rupturing? You don’t SEE the rupture, a woman feels it first and there’s a change in heart rate. Right? If that were to happen, I can have a spinal and undergo a STAT cesarean (different than an emergency cesarean birth). So yes, after I was told that I could not opt out of the epidural (their VBAC knowledge/consent for TOL form had it on there, not as a bullet but buried), I switched to a hospital-based midwife-group. One that is not requiring an epidural. I will be able to head into the hospital and move through labor. I will be able to be in better position for giving birth, rather than flat on my back so the baby's head can crash into my tailbone.

This time around, I’m prepared for the birth. I know facts. I know statistics. I know my body. I know hospital policies. I know that in the state of Arizona I cannot be assisted at home by a homebirth midwife. That’s politics. I can however, choose to go unassisted and make the decision to head into the hospital when and if I feel it is necessary. I will make that decision for me and my child. This has been my bonding with him. I feel as though I may have missed out on knowing the exact day he had eye lashes, but I know that in just a short time, his birth will finish healing me.

… and from there, I will breastfeed early on. I will snuggle him. I will not allow his vernix to be wiped off. I won’t have him separated for me unnecessarily. I won’t have to worry about whether or not my husband knows how to hold him and snuggle with him.